My Impregnable Soul

For Khaula Naxir And Miss Bushra

Before The Tears Come…

And I see you, standing near the trees, beautiful, alluring, exquisitely handsome, shining with all your might, like the smothering sun in the clear blue sky, like a house left standing after a tsunami, like the stars in the moonless night, like gold in silver, like love in hatred, like a ray of bright light in the melancholic darkness, like roses in thorns, like me in the whole wide world.
And I blink, for there is nothing else I understand that I should do.
You come near me and it doesn’t take a moment before I can feel your breath lingering on my neck. And there I am, flying through the wind, with your hand on my waist, dancing on the sound of the crickets.

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Depths Of Despair

Rising from the depths of despair
Waiting. Craving. Thinking.
They talk, they show off.
They hate, they make fun.
I resent, I spit.
And with the lanterns lit,
I cry. I smother.
Because life is nothing but a filthy bother.
And I pick up the knife
Hold it near the wrist
And let myself wander in the unlimited mist
Of despair.

It Happens

Let the lights go down
Let it all turn gray and brown
Because it’s all been meant for me
Embarrassment, Suffering, Melancholy
But then suddenly
You come around from the corner
Glowing with exquisite beauty
And in my way you look
That I haven’t been feeling good
That I have been alone
All alone
And then
With my face in yours, it happens
Because it’s all been meant for me
Love, Love Love

That Bottle of Whisky

Walking through these doors, singing an old song, wondering if there was anyone who loved me more than you did….And suddenly, the wind blowing the dead leaves in my face, and the swing making that creaking sound as its entangled chains move here and there with the soft blows of wind, and I see you, I see you with me and then you suddenly just disappear, and I feel a chill of unnerving emotions run through my body, and I sense tears crawling down my cheeks, flooding my dry lips. Why does that always have to happen? Why is it always so hard to fight these feelings? Maybe because since you’ve left, things have taken the form of an undecipherable code, an unbreakable code, an unreachable goal.
And my dark skin darkens even more as I remember your telling me how pretty I am. And I want you to say those words again to me. I want you to stand there with your arms wide open so I could rush into them….but of course, that can never be possible. And at night, I wait for you to kiss me goodnight, I wait for you to tell me that you love me. I want you to give me that one kiss. Everything’s gone now. Finished, right? But I can see you still. Those days, those times, I still feel them. Memories, they are scattered all around the bare floor. And that bottle of whisky, it just doesn’t seem to finish. I cannot comprehend the feeling of my life. I don’t know what happened, what is happening, or what is going to happen. I’m still caught up in your smile, in your arms….because I want you. I want you so much. I just cannot live without you. I just cannot. I simply cannot!!!
But I know that you can never kiss me goodnight, you can never hold my little feeble hands in yours. You can never come back, can you, Mother?

That Blue Vastness of Your Eyes

I
I look at you. You smile at me and take a step towards me. I can see your eyes sparkling with that twinkle of euphoria, as if, as if you’ve gotten hold of some treasure. That blue vastness of your eyes, marked with that alluring black spot, is so similar to the darkness of the night, to the melancholic vagueness of the purple moonlight. It makes me feel as if both of us complete each other. You raise your hands and hold my face in them. I can feel the fragile grip of your strong, muscular hands, and I want you to keep them there, forever.
But I hear the door of the backyard open and I know that you’ve heard it, too. I tell you to leave, and there you are, blowing me a kiss and intermingling with the black night.
II
I open the door of the backyard and there you are, standing with your arms wide open for me to rush into them. And that is exactly what I do. And you take me into a protective stance, trying to save me from everything, but your own seductive grasp. And I don’t want to move even a muscle.
I break into sobs and your suave tone echoes in my ears, “Mayella…..is everything alright?”
“No,” I reply. “Nothing is alright. Promise me you won’t leave me. Promise me. Now.” And you take my hand in yours and tell me that no, you’d never ever leave me alone, that you’d stay by my side for eternity, that you’d not spend a moment that would be devoid of my thought.
And my sobs fade and my lips curve to form a shy, nervous smile. You clean my eyes with your thumbs and leave, merging into the darkness.
III
It has been seven months and the night returns to me empty handed. The river’s mist brings me nothing but blurred vision. The wind carries your essence with you but it doesn’t bring me you. The chilling waves of the water insensate me, obtund me and it feels as if I’d whirl away in the sound of the back door closing and opening with the wind, as if I’d fuse in the limitless darkness.
And I remember those vast blue eyes with a speck of black in it, that delicate touch of your fingertips. And I want to die. I wish everything would finish. I wish everything would amalgamate and bring me you.
But, of course, how can that happen?
IV
It’s been a year now. And there is still not a single sign of your return. But I, I wait for you. It’s the mere hope of your return that makes me inhale this useless mixture of gases. It’s difficult, and day by day, it becomes more and more hard. I can’t find a filling, a replacement for you. But the truth is that I don’t want to.
You’ve left me and that is something that I cannot deny, something that is a miserable gift to me from fate. You’ve left me hurt. You’ve left me wounded. You’ve drilled a hole in my heart, a hole that I shall never be able to fill.
V
I open the door of my backyard and look at the emptiness of the night. The soft wind caresses my bare feet and the cold numbs my skin.
I look up from the floor.
Those same ravishing eyes, those same muscular hands, that same bewitching smile.
I look at you. You smile at me and take a step towards me. I can see your eyes sparkling with that twinkle of euphoria, as if, as if you’ve gotten hold of some treasure. That blue vastness of your eyes, marked with that alluring black spot, is so similar to the darkness of the night, to the melancholic vagueness of the purple moonlight. It makes me feel as if both of us complete each other. You raise your hands and hold my face in them. I can feel the fragile grip of your strong, muscular hands, and I want you to keep them there, forever.
And I look into your eyes….they are filled with tears. And I start to sob again.

Savin’ Me

“Where are you when I need you the most? In such strange times, when there is not a single person beside me, you think it best leave me alone? I don’t know how your mind allows you to do this.
They’ve all started to make fun of me, even young children. They say I’ve lost my mind since you’ve left. Do you remember the promises you made? They were uncountable. And you know what? One of them was that you’d never leave my side. And now that you should be with me, right by my side, supporting me, you are not here; you’re away, far away….somewhere unreachable, somewhere elusive, somewhere far, far away from me.
You know I am weak. I cannot bear all the pressure. Even my God has left my side. He has left me alone, just like you have. He doesn’t even bother to listen to me anymore. Maybe He is not interested in my problems anymore, just like you aren’t.
And yeah…..It feels like crying my heart out. I don’t know why it always has to be me. And the fact is undeniable, irrefutable, that it is me, always. Where are you when I need you most? Where are you? It is killing me, Jasper, it’s killing me.
Please save me, please.
I’m begging.
Yours truly,
Mayella Cavendish.”
He closed the letter and started to cry. He wanted to go back to her. He still loved her….but he couldn’t. He had never ever cried in his life. Never. And now he was crying. Just because of her. Just because of her mere words that had brought her so much pain. But he couldn’t leave the war. He couldn’t. But he could do one thing.
******
“Mayella I am sorry, darling….so sorry. You have to get over him. He died…and that is something you cannot deny. Just forget him.” Her mother was trying her best to console her, to bring her daughter back to life but all her efforts were useless.
Because her daughter had already lost her mind.

(This is not a love story that has a happy ending….fans of happy endings, I’m sorry.)

The Versatile Blogger Award

VersatileBloggerNominations

Yeah…..I found out that Marva Seaton, a fellow blogger had nominated me for an award….and it felt, and feels marvellous. Well thanks, Marva for nominating me for The Versatile Blogger Award. Here is a link to Marva’s awesome blog:
http://marvaseaton.wordpress.com/
And just now I found out that another fellow blogger nominated me for this award. I’d surely want you to check out her blog:
http://iwasneverheard.wordpress.com/

Here are the Rules of The Versatile Blogger Award:
1. In a post on your blog, nominate 10 fellow bloggers for The Versatile Blogger Award; and link to them.
2. In the same post, add the Versatile Blogger Award.
3. Thank the blogger who nominated you in a post with a link back to their blog.
4. Share 10 completely random pieces of information about yourself.
5. In the same post, include this set of rules.
6. Inform each nominated blogger of their nomination by posting a comment on each of their blogs.

I have nominated the following ten blogs

1) http://khaulanaxir.wordpress.com
2) http://katherinekaceypage.wordpress.com
3) http://myinvinciblespirit.wordpress.com
4) http://clarkkent07.wordpress.com/
5) http://85degrees.wordpress.com/
6) http://seyisandradavid.org/
7) http://sophiebowns.wordpress.com/
8) http://discoveringdifferent.wordpress.com/
9) http://ramblingsofalostdylan.wordpress.com/
10) http://akateraka.wordpress.com/

And now, about me:
1) I love the bloggers who follow my bloggers who follow my blog.
2) I love to write.
3) My favourite author is Daphne du Maurier.
4) I think I am pretty.
5) I write best when I’m depressed.
6) I do not post often.
7) I am hoping for a better year this time.
8) I love chocolates.
9) I love Diary Of A Wimpy Kid.
10) I am completely awesome…..once you get to know me.

Back to December

There were times like this when she would be lost in thought. She would think about darkness. She would be lost in a strange world, where there was no one except her. It was the time between night and day, when the sun was about to sink in the background & when the wind would blow through the branches and the dead leaves of the trees, like paulownia blossoms drifting down the street. This time was different. So different from the rest of the day. And then she would go back to December. To the time when they were together. And she would create dialogues & make up scenes. Scenes that had never happened & then she would start to cry. She cried for it. She craved for it every day. Every day was a miserable day, telling her that he was not with her. She wanted to kill herself. She wished that someday, the deep & velvety silence of twilight would absorb her and take her with it. And again, her thoughts would return to paulownia blossoms that drifted down the street, to the times in December when they were close.

Forign Dreams

She liked to spend most of her time in solitude. Waiting. Forgetting. Thinking. Craving. And these things helped her. Helped her to escape this world. Helped her to escape the truth. Helped her to forget about her parents. Helped her to escape the light. Helped her to move into a world that was hers. Where there was no shouting, no screaming, no crowd, a world in which she could be alone. Alone with him.
1
She looked at the sea. Waves crashed on the land and wiped off all the marks. The branches intermingled amongst each other. She looked up at the sky. There was no sun. No light. The wind blew, destructive, bad, melancholic. And all this brought her peace. She looked down at the village. Everyone was fast asleep. No shouting. No screaming. No crowd. Only her and the silent night.
She loved the wind, most of all. It brought his essence with it. A dark, peaceful feeling engulfed her. Its sound made her remember of him, his presence. She always knew he was with her, standing by her side, calling out her name and telling her that he would never leave her.
And suddenly the sun emerged from beneath the clouds. She knew it was impossible. And she would feel her mother calling her and telling her to get up.
2
When she returned back from the market, her mother was not home. The sky outside had darkened to a shade of deep red. She went out. The noise and the screams had ceased. She liked it this way. Why didn’t they remain like this? Why did they have to scream and shout? Why couldn’t they remain silent? She looked out at the cliff. Dark yet beautiful. More beautiful than anything. She went out attracted by its unnatural beauty. She bolted the door and walked along the dirty path that was surrounded by long weeds and bushes, waiting to be cut. She reached the cliff. It was beautiful, silent, peaceful. The wind blew strands of her golden hair across her face. She walked towards the end of the cliff and sat on the broken tree trunk. The peaceful night caressed her body.
She looked down. The water was still. It stared at her and an enchanting smile curled upon her impassive face. She liked it. The deep, melancholic silence. It was somehow sedative and she knew once she closed her eyes, she would be seized by an everlasting slumber. But she didn’t care. She started to close them when an earsplitting bang tore through the silence. She looked down. Her mother and father were home. She closed her eyes and started walking enchantingly over the path.
“Where have you been?” her mother screamed.
“I was on the cliff,” she replied.
“I’ve told you not to go on that goddamn cliff! Why don’t you get it?” her father added to the conversation.
She understood it. The same feeling started to engulf her. A dark feeling. A feeling of hatred and revenge. And she decided. She had to choose the only option left.

3
Her mother was fast asleep. She went out of the house and silently followed the dirty path. She looked up. Dark clouds filled the sky. Perfect. And there she was, standing at the edge of the cliff with tears escaping her exquisite eyes. She looked down. The sea wasn’t still. She wasn’t scared nor did she hesitate. She closed her eyes and pushed herself forward. A strong hand clasped her wrist and she looked back.
4
She stared at him.
“Don’t ever try to do this again.” His voice was low and clear. He walked slowly into the woods that covered the western side of the cliff. And suddenly she came back to life. She knew it then. She knew that she was in love. Deeply and strongly in love. She turned back and went straight to her house.
5
It was very straight in the night when she woke up. She looked out. It was raining hard. She went up to the cliff. Maybe he was waiting for her.
“Don’t ever try to do this again.” The words still rang clear in her ears. She looked at the forest but she didn’t see the forest, she saw what she had come here to see.

6
He took a step closer and said, “I’ll never leave you.” And a faint sedative smile curled over his lips as he walked back into the forest.
7
October
November
December
January
February
March
April
May
June
July
August
September
8
She felt the wind caress her body. Soft and smooth. She could feel him in the blowing wind. The grasp of his strong hand still felt fresh on her wrist.
9
“Bolt the door, and please don’t go on that cliff!.” Her mother said as she went out of the house. And she decided it. She decided it the second time in her life. She had waited long enough for him.
10
“She’s your daughter, isn’t she?” the inspector asked pointing toward the dead body of a young girl.
“Yes.” Her mother said.

Af If Someone Just Got Lost………

I don’t know what has happened to you, if you are dead or alive, if you still think of me or not, but I don’t care. I don’t care if you are dead or alive; I don’t care if you think about me or not because when you left me, my heart became as hard as stone. I erased every memory that was linked to you. They lie that you can’t overcome it. I have. I’ve forgotten you, Jasper, I’ve forgotten you. It’s as if you never existed. How much did I care for you, how much did I love you and just think about what you gave me? Just think about it. You gave me betrayal, Jasper, you gave me betrayal. I am here surrounded by everything life can offer me, and I satisfy myself with the thought that I’ve forgotten you but as I look at the fallen bluebells I know that this transitory satisfaction is a lie. I know that I’ve forgotten you yet everything that surrounds me reminds me of you. It’s as if someone just got lost……

Into a thousand pieces…

“Suddenly my eyes are opened and everything comes into focus. I am in a hospital room with walls white washed around me. After some time I realize that not only the walls but the furniture is also white washed.
My earliest memory is of standing near a lake smiling up to a faraway area that has a comparatively higher altitude. But I do not have a reason of my smiling up to it. It’s all so baffling. I give it little thought and turn my head towards the rear of my bed. A nurse is here, standing beside me. She passes me a smile; a triumphant one. I look at her with deep concern. She is in her late twenties, her face is wrinkled and show signs of long term stress, her face is wrinkled and I decipher in them a twinkle of sheer happiness. She doesn’t cease smiling for a long time and I am forced to wonder if she is mad. But then, I have other concerns.
The door opens and a young woman enters. She comes near me and smiles, showing a set of even, white teeth. Shortly after she smiles, I hear a series of uncontrollable squeaks and sobs. I’m forced to think the inevitable: am I in a mental asylum? She raises her slender hand and caresses my face and says, “Oh, Jasper, I thought I lost you forever.” And she begins to cry again.
The nurse comes up to me and even before I know it, I have been given a heavy dose of sedatives.
********

I open my eyes. I don’t know what’s happening. Nurses are here with me. The same woman is beside me. She looks up and says, “Do you remember me, Jasper? Do you remember me? I’m your…your……..” She stands up and gets out of the room and just after that, a nurse enters with a tray in her hand. No. I don’t want food. I don’t get the reason of their taking care of me like this. Maybe they don’t have the slightest hint of my being as healthy as they themselves are.
********

It’s been two months. The woman has not since returned. I don’t know who she is yet there is an overpowering sense of attraction that I feel as I look at her. And I deny it again and again and again. Why do I do that? Because some part of my brain tells me that she belongs to someone else, to another world.
I look outside at the fallen bluebells and a strong, overwhelming sense of jealousy swarms over me. They belong there and I…….?
The door opens and the woman enters. The feeling of aloofness that has been lingering over me for the past two months just fades away as I look at her. The white cotton frock that she wears makes her look even more exquisite. I dismiss the thought at the very moment.
She smiles and sits on my bed. It’s as if she has prepared herself, for she does not let a single tear escape her eyes but there still is the same twinkle of happiness in her eyes, as if she has a found a lost possession.
“I don’t know if you remember me and I don’t care.” She opens up a leather bag that she has been holding in her slender hands and from it she takes out a package. She hands it to me. I tear it open to find out a diary. It is considerably heavy and the cover has the woman’s picture on it. She says, “I’m sure that it’s all been forgotten by now, isn’t it?” she smiles and continues, “There is something I want to tell you. I am leaving and I’ll never come back. I sense that my coming to see you gives you pain and I don’t want to do that.” A nurse enters and makes a gesture to the woman. She nods and immediately leaves.
*******

I open the diary. It reads, “Oh my god!!!! Jasper just proposed! I am so excited. I don’t know what to say. I just love him so much.” It is signed by Marisa Jones and is followed by a set of wedding pictures. I should rather say that it is followed by a set of…..of….my wedding pictures.
*******

I can think of nothing now. My mind replies me but the reply itself is silence, a silence that never ends, a silence that hits me like a huge tsunami and my mind shatters me into a thousand pieces.
It takes me so long to collect them and when finally I have them all placed in their places, a feeling of alarm, despair runs through me and I look outside and again, once again my mind shatters into a thousand pieces.
A young man enters and closely examines me. “It’s nice to see you awake after such a long time.” She looks at the nurse that stands beside him and continues, “We’ve done it nurse, we’ve done it. We’ve cured the first patient of dementia.”
He leaves, with the nurse following him. I know what dementia is, yet I do not know who I myself am. It’s too perplexing for me to understand.’

Mareesa closed the small diary that the nurse had given her. She had been wrong. The very thought of the news that the nurse had given her made her cry. She had told her that the patient had left and they had been unable to find him in the whole village. She stood up and put the diary at the table and at the same instant the door opened and she saw him standing there with his arms wide opened…….

Only if he is here

It’s another day. Another miserable day. The sun is here again, shining with all its strength. And I’m here still thinking of him. No day is a great day for me if he is not with me. My life has become that of a divorcee, a used cigarette, a read book, a watched movie. I have a broken heart. It split into two the day he left. Where is he, I don’t even know that. Maybe he is with some other girl or maybe he loves someone else but I don’t care. I’ll welcome him with all my strength, only if he is here. I can embrace him just like I did years before but only, only if he is here.